either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
