there's paper in my vomit.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
