I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
