he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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