I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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