I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
