Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
