yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
