i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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