I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize