I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
