My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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