guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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