She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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