Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
