just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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