Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
