Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
