I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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