i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
