i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
