i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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