Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
