I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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