I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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