there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
