dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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