My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
