You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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