If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
