I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize