He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
