I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
