i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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