I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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