I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
