The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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