Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
