I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
