so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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