Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
