I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
