listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
