Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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