There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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