how can u be prego again
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
