I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
