I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
