no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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