All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
