Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
