Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
