he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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