I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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