dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
