nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
