Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
