My liver just broke up with me...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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