please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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