You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
