dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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