i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
