I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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