not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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