I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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